Messiness of 04:00 am thoughts — Sapore Di Mare
I’ve been thinking about loss and absence of someone important the other day. What is it about absence, why is it so painful. Maybe us being so powerless against it makes it more mentally and even physically agonising. It blurs the other senses, even the memory and all there is left is a painful, desperate desire of that someone special.
Maybe there is no point in spending our lives trying and waiting to deal with people not being there anymore, maybe we’ll never get over that fact, maybe the exquisite pain of their absence will never leave our sides, so we just have to learn how to live with the motherf***er and embrace the memory of “the ones” being there, the most pleasant memory of us being one whole, without that terrible empty space and have faith that the place will once more be fulfilled sometime soon.
“After he left I cried for a week and then I realised I have faith, faith in myself, faith that I would one day meet someone… who would be sure that I was the one.” Carrie Bradshaw
Well, good for you Carrie, ’cause some of us spend 9 months crying (people give birth in that time for god’s sake)
Then I thought, ok we could deal with THE fact, but arent we supposed to end up with “the ones?! how do we know if we have to give up, where is the fine line between fighting for whats important and being obsessed with the occasion or even be considered insane for talking or thinking about it after so much time.
But if we finally decide to accept the reality, where does all the effort go. No, I don’t mean the effort to get back on track, I mean the effort we’ve been putting in the relationship this whole time, the investment of feelings we made that should have paid off some time soon. Does it magically fade away? as if we never struggled to keep ourselves from choking the other person, or laugh, when all we wanted to say was all the unbeliveble things he’s been doing past week, or to watch the “el classico” match, as if we are the biggest fans of the game, which is in fact a greatest competitor and moreover, an enemy of ours?!
After overthinking the concepts I got so scared of committed relationships, I’ve been asking myself thousands of questions about them: is all of these worth it? what if we save ourselves from getting hurt by not stepping into this trap voluntarily?! …..
But after all, I realised that I don’t really care about being hurt, as a matter of fact, I really don’t mind it; then I double-checked the thought with greater thinkers and found out that Stephen King thought “The only real requirement is the ability to remember every scar”, while Willian Faulkner chose the experience of pain over nothing and I got even more confident about my 04:00 am thought, with those guys backing it up so well.
So… at the end of the day, the fact you were crying on, is your greatest experience, the point you thought is the end of the world, appears to be the inception of it.
One thing life is about is experience, so go ahead, get out there and live, fall in Love and try hard to get hurt, it’s actually good for you.
“The night is the hardest time to be alive and 4 am knows all my secrets.”
Bounna Notte
XXX
A
Originally published at https://www.saporemare.com on January 30, 2017.