Eating disorder diaries // binging as my week goes by — Sapore Di Mare
It’s January 2020, meaning It’s been a year since I haven’t had a single binging episode (at least the heavy one with dozens of sugary products) so that since my face has not been deformed, unrealistically, embarrassingly puffed, since I haven’t had stranger’s body to wake up into. Two weeks of partying and slightly being out of the regime passes by and I feel I’m close, feel it deeply but ignoring it, believing I overcame the biggest problem of my life. Another two weeks pass by and I find myself with a bar of chocolate, followed by another one and another one and two most horrible days spens on my bed eating the sweets I sneaked with at home (because I am embarrassed my family members will see the amount of sweets I eat and I can’t take that embarrassment again, of course they know, they have seen the days when I am that way, but they don’t understand and they can’t I guess, nobody can)
Somehow I went back to normal being, a month of being on and off on a diet and here we are again.
Monday
10:00 am
I fell asleep (I never do)
I get up, take a very quick shower (I hate to go to bathroom, that’s where I see all the consequences of yesterday’s binging, but there’s no other way)
try to dress so that my sins from yesterday are not visible, not sure if I manage to do so, come outside thinking that everyone knows what I did last night, I am ashamed and want to apologise to the whole world, go to every single person and explain that it was not my choice, but the disease is back, I swear I thought I beat it, but I feel it’s back and I know I have to stay strong and I promise I will, but the strangers pass and I don’t have time for my explanations.
Office, god I hate to go there now.
I enter the room, with a bag of fruit and water, being sure that healthy stuff is all I need today, knowing deep in my heart that the banana I am holding will be followed by a large chocolate bar after.
I hardly do anything at work, eat healthy until 7 pm, I would be too embarassed not to, as everyone in the office knows about my constant diet and would have reaction to every single non-dietary food I eat, while all they eat is pizza and cakes.
Anyway, like I said I wait until 7 pm, come out of office and head to the supermarket where I get the sweets to go straight to my room with.
Tuesday
Last night was a bit lighter, so that I managed to wake up on time, get a proper shower and dress better, that gave me a reason to think this is it, this is the day when the binging episode will leave my sight and I will get back to my normal habits, I think starving won’t do any good so that I decide to have a protein breakfast and go to the office.
By the lunchtime I go to the supermarket and secretly get an ice cream to eat, promising myself this will be the one thing I will eat today, go back to the office where I have a meeting, thinking about how useless I am and ashamed of myself, I failed, failed everyone including my own body. I am a failure and a fraud, and don’t deserve to be working as I don’t have any skills, rather then destroying myself, these are the thoughts that go by during the 1:30 meeting through my head.
The meeting is over finally, I hardly send two or three emails, by pushing myself, it take a lot of effort to simply open the email and start replying to it.
I come home, I am happy I didn’t stop on my way for any sweets, go to my room and try to distract myself,
I think of going out and meeting my friends for the same reason, but I feel too ashamed to be seen now. (although there is no evidence I binged I still think everyone will know)
I fail to distract myself, go to kitchen open a cupboard and find cookies , close it again and come back to my room, go back and take one, followed by several trips to kitchen and more cookies on my binging list.
Wednesday
It was 9:30 pm yesterday, when I eat my last cookie, it should be ok.
After waking up I feel much more energized, my face is a bit calmed and the pores are less visible now.
I feel lighter, praying for it to be over.
The day passes by thinking about how my body was effected by the recent binging episodes, this is the only thought today and I don’t want to be contacted by anyone right now, today’s even harder than the other days, I was distracting myself and losing my anxiety with sweets, now it’s me without any weapons vs. my thoughts
They are fast, very fast and they are scary, I am scared of them and feel sorry to have brought them in my head again, sorry and apologetic to myself.
I am not productive at work today either and that makes me feel even more useless.
it’s 10 pm and I only head clean meals today, I did it and now I can’t believe it was me past 4 days.
Thursday
Much fresher, much clear head, motivated and ready to take the responsibility of helping my body go back to normal.
More productive at work… such a relief
Friday
Another Day passes by and I don’t even consider binging or having a single bar of chocolate until the evening, I come home, try to dress up to go out and meet my friends, not for a drink obviously as I have a plan that doesn’t include alcohol in it and I should follow it, fail to like myself and that’s where the trigger wakes up there is no way other then pleasing myself with a box of chocolates, while other, normal people are out drinking and having fun
Saturday
Waking up in Hell
it’s 2 pm, I open my eyes and wish I never woke up
My whole body hurts, like literally hurts (I know you haven’t heard of this before but when liver fails to process all these sugar, other organs try to fight it and expel them from the body, of course they fail and you end up feeling like you’ve been beaten up)
I reach out to my phone, open the group chat and find the photos and videos of my friends from the last night, I get angry at myself and put it down.
I get up, wash my face and brush my teeth, don’t even think about showering, (really don’t want to be out of my robe today) take my diuretic with a huge glass of water, hoping it will help me out look like a human again (bullshit)
I eat some cheese and omelette, then cheese again, I hate sweets, have a severe headache and the strong will to fade away stays with me for the rest of the day.
Feel like there’s no hope. I’ve been here for so many times, but every second time it feels like this is it. As I have the flashbacks and fears of the thoughts I have in the past, I am starting to think I can’t beat it, I am scared of myself, scared of my current mindset
I open up a chocolate bar…
Sunday
I start the day trying to forget the week before, get up, take a shower, go out and casually eat stuff, like not so bad stuff, but still feel that it’s not the regular eating, it’s kicking quietly again. I don’t give it much consideration, try to socialize and leave that terrible, embarrassing week in the past.
This time I know i don’t lie to myself, I will get back to normal from tomorrow, but it will be very painful.
In 3 to 5 days I will truly realize the effect that week left on my body, will confess to myself that it’s not the inflammations any more I HAVE GAINED WEIGHT, will have ups and will have down, but will overcome the downs, because it’s already spring and I can not take the risk of being ashamed of my body in summer, especially can’t take the risk of having long episodes of binging, because next time could be fatal.
I start to think about eating disorder awareness again.
Just how I wish society would understand, understand that it’s really not a choice, it’s a disease.
Understand that a person, suffering from an episode of binging needs a sick leave and deserves it, that person is not in a bad mood because she thinks she will gain weight as she eat too much, she’s scared, scared to death and screaming inside, asking you to help her somehow, so that if she wines about just how much she ate, know that it’s not wining, it’s a helpless cry of a disturbed person who is very, hopelessly ill.
Tomorrow is another day and yet another chance
So that, once again:
The Sun will rise and I will try again
Originally published at https://www.saporemare.com on March 8, 2020.